History

OK, So, being new to this I suppose I should give a little history on HOW I got here. I have known R (my S.O. No, we are not married) for 28+ years. We have had an on and off relationship. We finally moved in with each other a few months back. We share 3 boys, but have 9 children between the 2 of us, so our life is full. Before we moved in, I, during one of our "spats" (Again, NO, he won't fight with me either and I am a bit of a hothead) was surfing the net, trying to find out what it was I thought I was missing. Not understanding what that might be, or how to get it, if I couldn't articulate it, felt that surfing might be the way to narrow it down. Boy was I right AND wrong! I ultimately stumbled across a BDSM Library, full of a variety of stories. I enjoyed reading them. A very few were in line with my fantasies, but most were just interesting. So I even joined a local BDSM group. They were the nicest people!!!! I even went to a couple of the “MUNCHES”. That was even nicer, as I now had faces and REAL personalities and voices to put to the online identities. It was strange and a big relief to be there, and find that no one there thought that I was “abnormal”. And while we did talk a lot about sex, there was often talk about other much more normal things. I am still a part of the group, though I don’t post anymore and haven’t been to a MUNCH since I moved away from that city. I always say that I am going to make the effort to go back but haven’t managed it yet.

One of the things that I identified with the most, and unfortunately, I didn’t recognize, was that while the DOM/sub relationship appealed to me, I am a very strong minded and stubborn personality that doesn’t tolerate being told what to do. I guess I should explain. I have a hard time, even at work sometimes, being told what to do. I have for most of my life been “the boss” in some way. I had 8 younger sisters. My mother and her husband often worked 14 to 18 hours a day, which left me to watch my sisters and take care of things. Then in my marriage (ok, so I WAS married, for 22 years to a man, that while I was married to him was a wonderful person, who took extremely good care of me and helped me to grow up in a lot of ways and also let me enjoy my childhood that I had not really had. According to our children, us divorcing, which was his choice, was not one of his better decisions), I “wore the pants”. That is to say, that he was a geek who would rather interact with a computer than people and the everyday things were beneath him. Discipline was beyond him and making a decision was a very time consuming process. So, while my ex was extremely good at taking care of me in most ways, it also worked out that all major decisions were mine, along with any consequences/credit for the decisions made. It worked well, and I didn’t mind. So, anyway, it was pointed out to me by my best friend, that while I have a very Victorian outlook on life, I live by a very feminist standard. She also pointed out that this seemed to be a big bone of contention between R and I. I gave this a lot of thought and couldn’t say that I disagreed. I, while desiring the sub lifestyle, could see, in my posts and conversations with the BDSM group, how I sounded like a natural DOM. NOT what I wanted. I kept surfing.

Somewhere in my surfing, I found a CDD site. CDD stands for Christian Domestic Discipline. I was home!!!!! If you are curious, I definitely suggest you check it out. It seems to have all of the things that are important to me! There is mutual respect, the ability to be your own person, a forum for holding yourself to a greater standard by honoring a higher power, a spiritual strength and bonding to keep things respectful and happy. It especially appealed to me, because, while it allowed me to have my opinion and be my own person, it also gave a definitive structure to follow. I would be allowed to lead AND could learn to follow!

Not long after I found this site, R and I were talking again. I told him what my best friend had said about me and my personality. Unfortunately, he agreed, but wasn’t as kind in his take on things. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but it hurt. Yet, being as in love with this man, I decided we needed to do something, if we were ever going to have a chance of building a life together. So, I gave him an overview and asked if he would read about it and see if he would be willing to at least try it. Amazingly enough he said yes!!!! OH, HAPPY DAYS!!!! I didn’t get to see him for a couple of weeks. During that time, we talked more about it and I expressed to him a lot of my fears and goals. I was most especially afraid that he would think that I was just too weird. I was also afraid that I was asking too much of him. He said that we could try it, but it became increasing obvious it isn’t something that he was capable of doing long distance. So, we started the process of trying to put our lives together in one place again.

During the months that we didn’t live together, I accidentally found that I LOVED being spanked. It started out that, per the CDD sight, the first thing that was to be done, was that I was to get a “discipline” spanking, that would be one of the worst that I would get, for a variety of reasons. To forgive all past trespasses and to “break” me; that I could feel forgiven and be able to accept R as my HOH (head of household). Unfortunately, I don’t cry from pain. Instead I “dig my heels in” and crawl into my own head. He gave up, because he was afraid of hurting me. I can’t say that he was wrong. The bruising that showed up over the next couple of days really freaked me out. It stuck around WAY longer than the afterglow or physical discomfort. The physical discomfort was not bad, as a matter of fact, it was wonderful!!!! I was very disappointed when it went away. So, I did some more reading, especially about bruising and began exploring spanking sites and stories. Things were put on hold for a couple of years. We did do some spanking, but it seemed to mostly be erotic, which was ok. Not exactly what I wanted but at least it was there. I also found over this time, that it was a great stress reliever. Even if it was just an erotic spanking.

You also need to know that R is not a touchy feely personality. As far as I know, I am the only person he ever tolerated it from, until his daughter came on the scene. In his marriage, his wife was not a touchy feely personality either, so that was ok with them. It isn’t ok with me. I am VERY touchy feely. I am and always have been glad that he has tolerated it with me. I have even gotten him to where he actually goes through spells where he will be that way with me. It is still a work in progress.

So, now, we are together, determined to build a life and live in a lifestyle that appeals to both of us. He has been most open to exploring this with me and is a willing if tentative participant. He is still very much afraid of hurting me, for which, while I find that somewhat limiting am still grateful for. I have always trusted him with my physical being and am learning to communicate and re-trust him with my emotional being as well.

It was so nice that he has been so accepting of what I have said and all of the research that I have asked him to read.  We are going to get there, someday.  Soon I hope! 
 
I will try to not post quite so much next time. 
 
Thanks for reading!  Happy Spanking!
 
Theresa in Texas